Monday, March 21, 2011

You can run but you cannot hide

Mothering. During the early years what I remember most is exhaustion. Sleep deprivation was the hallmark of the early years. Those days when even getting 5 minutes alone in the bathroom was the extent of "me" time. But it was easier in those days when there was a boo-boo. Some kisses, a bandaid and presto, the hurt was gone or at least better.

As children grow, they want less and less of you in the immediacy of the moment...."I can do it myself mom" stretches to include most of their lives ( with the exception of food or laundry ) and you become a spectator for the most part. Not a bad thing, since we do try and raise them to be independent and self sufficent. Mothering changes as the children do, as it should.

When the "kids" are adults there are no bandaids for the hurts. No simple hug, no lap sitting fixes. And as a parent you think you have let go enough for them to deal with pain on their own.
You can pray " Lord I give it to you" but the truth is the emotional investment as a parent is not lessened by time or distance. Your heart still breaks, soul aches, knowing there is nothing you can do.

In some ways the move to New Mexico has been silence and solitude. But there is no hiding when your children hurt. Wish I had a bandaid big enough to fix things. Feeling helpless is not one of my favorite things. Only He can deal with this....I simply cannot and its a hard thing to admit. I need to let go....not because I dont love, but because the bottom line is that in this life, God is the only one who is the real healer of the broken. We moms just stand in for Him from time to time. This is His time. I too am so broken I am no help. All I can do is love.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Confused and annoyed

How do you have someone tell you that after they have been robbed, that they have " prayed to God that the thief would be consigned to hell and their soul be damned forever" and not speak out against that? What if their family was starving? Still hell?

And how do you not speak out against that? Is that Christian? Do you refrain from speaking because you might hurt someones feelings? What of God?

How do you speak to your family, knowing that they are not perfect, while demanding they perfect themselves? I am not only confused...knowing those who demand perfection are not perfect, but I am also annoyed, knowing they are sinners like the rest of us. Grrrrrr.

Ok...maybe I dont know all the answers ( I know I dont ) but I do know that judgement is wrong. Who are we to judge others when we fall so far short?

Maybe ANGRY and annoyed is the best lable for this post.

God forgive me , for I know I have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I only hope those who stand in judgment are more perfect than I.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Just in time.....or not

The dogs have gone without baths for weeks and weeks. Nasty smellin' and nasty lookin'. But seriously, had I bathed them earlier we would have had pom-sicles. And even now, with the weather in the 50's and the garage warm with the door open to the house, they get the shakes. But over the last two days, bathe them I have. Sigh. I could have lived with the smell so why I did this I dont know.

It is also mud season....the season no one told me about that comes after winter and before true spring. So, bathe dogs, let them out to do their business, let them back into the garage and wash 16 paws. We have two that leap over John's drainage system ( a carved in the mud ditch that mostly drains....sorta ) and two that prefer to dance through it. Even with short ankles they are a mess when the business is done. Never mind waltzing through all the goodies they left a few months ago that are now thawed......did I mention they love doing that too?

Good thing they are my only buddies at this point, otherwise they would be sleeping in the garage.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Some weeks are longer than others

Here I had thought I was kinda almost sorta nearly used to John leaving.

Well, I am not. Not so much. It sill sucks totally and completely.


Monday, March 7, 2011

The smarter I get,,,,

Well, let me just say my intentions were reallllllly good.

John left yesterday morning and all day yesterday I worked...stripping the bed, doing laundry, picking up what had been left lying around. Basically keeping busy. I know the saying is "busy hands are happy hands" but that is not always the case with me. But better busy than mourning my love leaving, which is what I have done the last few times he left. Does me no good.

Today I decided to go to Taos, even though I hate the drive and it was trying to snow. Wal-Mart is the only non-hippie-touchy-feely-$1000 tee-shirt kind of store ( also that is where I pick up my prescription ). No problem. The snow turned to slush/rain on the way but the road was not slick so I was pretty happy with the drive ( also there was a driver slower than me in front of me so I didnt have to feel bad about not going fast enough for the Texans who invariably crawl up my cars rear end when I am first in line on the way...Yay!)

The problem occurred when I got home. Brilliant as I am, I knew John has swept out "his" side of the garage and it was spotless while mine was still caked in dried mud. Ok, no problem. I will pull into his side and after I unload the car, sweep my side out as well. However, ( there is always a comma after my "howevers" isnt there??) there is a double sink that is very easy to hit when pulling into that side. Cough. So I am watching, very very carefully, making sure I dont hit the freaking sink. Which I did not. Bigger cough. I hit the wall. Oh man.....
Not to worry though....i patched it up with my pink duct tape. I am pretty sure he will never notice.

(Banging head on keyboard)

Good thing he loves me : )