Mothering. During the early years what I remember most is exhaustion. Sleep deprivation was the hallmark of the early years. Those days when even getting 5 minutes alone in the bathroom was the extent of "me" time. But it was easier in those days when there was a boo-boo. Some kisses, a bandaid and presto, the hurt was gone or at least better.
As children grow, they want less and less of you in the immediacy of the moment...."I can do it myself mom" stretches to include most of their lives ( with the exception of food or laundry ) and you become a spectator for the most part. Not a bad thing, since we do try and raise them to be independent and self sufficent. Mothering changes as the children do, as it should.
When the "kids" are adults there are no bandaids for the hurts. No simple hug, no lap sitting fixes. And as a parent you think you have let go enough for them to deal with pain on their own.
You can pray " Lord I give it to you" but the truth is the emotional investment as a parent is not lessened by time or distance. Your heart still breaks, soul aches, knowing there is nothing you can do.
In some ways the move to New Mexico has been running....to silence and solitude. But there is no hiding when your children hurt. Wish I had a bandaid big enough to fix things. Feeling helpless is not one of my favorite things. Only He can deal with this....I simply cannot and its a hard thing to admit. I need to let go....not because I dont love, but because the bottom line is that in this life, God is the only one who is the real healer of the broken. We moms just stand in for Him from time to time. This is His time. I too am so broken I am no help. All I can do is love.