Two days and a lifetime

Two days until we go. Leaving a lifetime of sameness, moving into the unknown. At least I am.

I have never been just me, with me. I dont know who I am really without being in relation to someone else. John's wife, Tessa, Tia, Joshua, Melissa and Zechariah's mother. Keith, Jonathan, Jessica, Jonah, Elliett, Gracia, Liora and soon, Thomas John's ( we think its a he) grandmother. That is how not only I define myself but also how the world has defined me. As something to someone else. Who will I be when I am only me? I do not know. The thought of it leaves me shaken and stirred, pun intended but not a good thing.

It is a good thing the Lord is in my life again.Not to say He has not always been there; He has but I shut Him out for many years. I know He is there and I know it is true that when "I lift mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my strength", my strength does indeed come from the Lord. I can look at the mountains here in Hawaii and know it and I can do the same thing in New Mexico.

My biggest weakness (well , ok, one of many big weaknesses..) is being still in the presence of God. "Be still and know that I am God" he tells us. It is so hard for me to wait on His message to me...I am too often busy talking to Him instead of simply being still. To be still....in my mind and heart. To listen instead of speak. Or ask, implore, beg,whimper, whine....all of the above at times.

Lord help me listen.
And be still.

Doctors....the good, the bad and at this age, its ugly

I thought it would be a wise thing...to see the various doctors I see, prior to leaving the state and being, at least for the moment, without any care givers in the health department. So....three doctors in two days and I am painfully glad to be finished.
Eyes, expensive little buggers ( John will no doubt be thrilled to learn my prescription has changed and I needed new glasses!). They promised that the new eyewear would be ready before we leave but guess what ? Nope, isnt going to happen. I am, needless to say, thrilled. Especially since we do not have a post office box so they cannot be mailed when they do come in. Oh joy.
Then yesterday was my internist, nice lady and about as warm as a fish. Literally. Her hands are like ice. She had a good time pushing around on my ab scar, which is always a fun thing. And great news...when I asked how long it was going to take for the pain to stop when I try to lift something, she said it probably never would. This is the new normal. Kinda ticks me off because I hate feeling like I have to be careful every time I lift something heavier than a kleenex tissue.
Immediately after this I saw my Gyn doc, which technically, I have absolutely need for. He too had a grand time shoving the scar tissue around and doing other things which shall remain unsaid. Fortunately he found nothing new or exciting and that is a blessing.
Today I feel as though I have been hit by a sledgehammer in the belly (the bad)...and am glad I only have to do this once a year (the good). Probably wont get any better as I get older (the ugly)

The more things change, the more they really do stay the same

For the most part I am ready to go...except for the random little things (my recipe box ...are you kidding me?!) that I am now in the process of sending to Tessa. I can pick it up on the way to New Mexico. We are flying into Denver as that is the easiest on the dogs , only one flight and not several , even though it is long, then driving down to NM. Denver is only about an hour north of Tess in the Springs and on the way "home" so we will pick up all the almost forgotten treasures then drive on.
So....
It is harder by a long shot to stop feeling possessive of this house than it is to move my stuff out of it. And protective ...."dont bang the walls, dont drop food on the floor, dont leave the water running " and on and on. I wasnt always this way....for many years we didn't have "nice" furniture or breakables or "dont touch-ables only look-ables". We had kids and the kids ( and many friends ) LIVED here. Which is not to say it wasnt clean or neat...just not off limits. And its a hard habit to break, this constant correcting, once you've acquired it.
That said, its time to let go.
Its not really my house any more and that is fine. I am grateful its family that is going to live here and I am grateful that I have had these weeks...the stripping of the walls, emptying of closets and getting rid of garbage. Its been a good thing to go through this process over a period of weeks, months...but I am ready for it to be done.
I am grateful this house will be full again of children's laughter ( and no doubt tears too ; comes with the territory ) and that maybe in the future I can visit and see how the blank canvas has been repainted - literally : )
Change within the sameness....movin' on.

Letting go of my other family

I already know how hard it is going to be to let go of the family that is here in Hawaii. Hard. I have cried so much about it and so often that I pretty much thought I was cried out. Not that I think the move is the wrong thing....but that doesn't necessarily make it easy. And I do think that is true about much in life ; sometimes it is the most difficult choice that is the right one. Ok, so I know in advance I will mourn those I leave here.
What suprises me is how much I am going to miss my church family. I only returned to the Catholic church about 2 years ago after close to 40 years away. When I returned I didn't want it to be partially, I wanted it to be a complete return. That meant that my marriage to John needed to be con-validated by the Church and I still needed to be confirmed, something usually done when you are 12 or 13...not 56. For a year I attended RCIA classes at St. John's and I am so glad that this specific church is where the Lord led me. The teaching I received isnt something I would have valued or understood had I been an adolescent. What a blessing and what a gift...not only to return to the Lord but to have a great sponsor ( thank you Stan ) , a great group of classmates and a loving and dynamic teacher ( thank you Deacon Wally ). Maybe its just being more sensitive to the leadings of the Holy Spirit but I am so connected to my church family and it cuts to the quick to be leaving them too. I can go to so many of them ( and I have often ) and ask for them to pray...for my family, for myself, for following where the Lord leads....and they pray. I am loved and I know it and can see it and can feel it. I am going to miss this part of the Body of Christ.

The packing ...+2

It has been two days now since the movers came to pack us up and I think I can finally talk about it.
Leading up to the big day were innumeral days of grief. What we were doing was disassembling the life we have lived for the last 30 years in this house. Not to say we aren't taking tons with us..we are. It just won't fit the same way ; not a bad thing , just different.
I did not realize what a creature of habit I am....and a messy creature at that. Just cleaning out the junk drawers ( no irony there, right?) revealed that much of what was in there was garbage. Why was it in there? Also, the drawers were filthy...ack. What other filth do I live with that I ignore or "choose" not to see?
I digress.
On Tuesday the movers showed up at 9am. We had expected them at 7:30 but no problem. There were three men....again , no problem. Then two of them left.
One guy, working by himself from 9am till almost 1pm when the other two showed up again. I must say that the one young man who worked by himself had done an amazing job and that the other two were nowhere near his level of competence when it came to the packing. Nevertheless, it was after 4 pm when they left the house and all things considered, it could have been worse.
A few things came immediately to light, literally. First was the dirt under where the couches stood. Truth be told, it was not as bad as I had feared. What came to mind were the skeletal remains of small creatures , lost holiday candy ( it could have been halloween, Christmas or Easter ) and pine needles. Always and ever pine needles...a different story. I was right on two out of three ....candy ( we think it was Easter by the wrapping ) and pine needles. And hair...both dog and human. The second realization I had was the fact that there was alot more floor that had to be vacuumed and mopped now that the furniture was gone. Also, there is an unnerving echo : )
Those floors are mopped. Now for the rest of the house.....

Does it never end ???

I started going through cabinets, closets, drawers, shelves and whatever else could be gone through two weeks ago and if I press hard I just might be ready Tuesday morning when the movers get here. The bad part....who knew we had so much JUNK ..ok not all junk and to someone down the road it may well be treasure. The good part ..ye old silver lining so to speak..is that I am finding things I thought lost years ago. I have found 1 glove whose mate was tossed a few years back, a sandlewood fan ( dont know where it came from nor to whom it belonged ) , the pants to a gorgeous velvet pantsuit - the top got donated to Goodwill with the last yard sale, ski socks, 3 of 5 metal measuring cups ( probably made of lead or another heavy metal )...well the list of fun finds is almost endless.
But not quite. I do believe there is an end in sight since there is not much else to go through. The living room is stacked high with only a narrow corridor to walk through to the kitchen and the kitchen table is stacked high with everything breakable I own which the movers assure me wont get broken. The movers tell me this will only take one day. Okie dokie, if they say so.

Not a clue....

We are now in the process of getting ready for the movers to come in 10 days....which means going through the detrius of 37+ years of accumulated stuff. Some of it belonged to my grandparents (definately keep) , some of it my mother (definately keep) but for the most part it is ours. Now by that I mean mine, John's , Tessa's, Tia's, Josh's, Melissa's and Zack's. And for the most part I am good...I generally do remember to whom it belonged , what the occasion was and why I have held on to it for all these years.
However, there is another catagory....not only do I not know A) why I kept it, B) to whom it belonged (although it MUST have been important, else why would it still be here among the treasures?), or ...this is the best one... C) what in the name of all that is holy it is, was or why I kept it. Not a clue.
Ah well.....I just hope that a year or two down the road I don't have an " ah ha " moment as to what said treasure was and wish I had not consigned it to the trash.
Hopefully my memory lapses will continue unabated and that will not happen.