My Mom

This is one of those days that nearly kills me , emotionally. My mother died 10 years ago and I still mourn her loss, heart deep.

I am an only child. My mother was my best friend ( husbands are a different sort of friend...more intimate and less knowing than a mother ) and to this day I mourn her passing. And I mourn what I did not know and what I did not do. I did not know how miserable her life was, how miserly she was made to live and how little she had in the way of love and support.

I did not know she was being physically, emotionally and psychologically abused. She lied to me and told me everything was "fine". How could I have been so self involved and removed that I did not know. How could I not have known.....

I was busy raising my own kids...I was involved in my own little life, I did not "see" what was going on with her until the phone call telling me she was on death's door step. I had 10 days, before her time on earth ended, to be with her. It was not enough.

She was in Montana and I in Hawaii. I did not know she was dying until the very end. She was positive and hopeful and lying to spare me. I did not know all the stupid stuff I sent her for "Mother's Day" wasnt needed. What she needed was another nightgown....a feather bed to ease the cancer pain, help going to the bathroom...taking a bath....all the little things I would gladly have done for her, had she asked. She never did. She never asked for one thing from me except love.

And what I remember is being 17 and standing at the top of the stairs and yelling at her " I hate you". To this day, this is what I think...that she never knew how much and how dearly and how deeply I did love her. And now it is too late to tell her.

I miss my mom.