I don't understand the why of it: one day I am filled with the glory and wonder of this beautiful place and then there are days like this. When the gray, freezing is more on the inside than out. Yes, the driveway is a sheet of ice but it is colder in my soul. Why, when I know of His grace and love, do I feel so abandoned and so alone.
It is not Him. It is me. Never measuring up...never sure of what or who I am. Child of God? Who would want a child like this? Inconsistant and insecure, wondering how a God who creates the universe would bother with me. My belief is not strong enough, sure enough, good enough. Would I be one of those left behind for lack of faith?
On these days the ice in my heart chills all.....and I am bereft, knowing my own failures. How do you find your way back to the sun/Son when Satan's dark shadow fills you? How do I go from a place of surely knowing to knowing nothing except my own shallow pain.
I know this place...I come here more than I would like to admit. A place full of "me"...not a good place. And I know He is here, watching and waiting, patiently loving...I just don't understand why He bothers ( if it were me being god, I doubt I would be so patient ).
I just don't understand.